Blog Self-Preservation

The Paradigm Shift

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I’ve realized that I haven’t posted any personal post lately. I’m not a fan of venting out to social media because I don’t think it would make anything better. And I’m only posting about my life on my blog simply because I want my experiences to be the source of learning for my readers. I don’t know, social media seemed to be full of haters and brouhaha.

February isΒ a very challenging month for me because problems keeps on coming my way and mocking me. Series of events and rejections caught me off-guard that I just want to shut down from the world, dig my grave, and sleep in it forever. I just want to be quiet for a while and maybe think about how many atoms are there in a person’s body and if it’s correlated with the person’s aura.

The moment that I saw the symptoms of depression coming back, I made myself promise to never let it go that far and ruin me again. So what I did, I began to hibernate and rebuild what was broken. I started first by letting my emotions flow, and the result is the crying fits that occurs every single night. Then I wrote on my planner the self-preservation list that I saw on twitter a few weeks back. I’m doing meditation whenever I’m not doing anything and I go to the gym every week to release my anxiety. Yes, I’ve learned this all through my good old friend, Internet.

And the second step is thorough planning and this is where I am at the moment. I asked myself what I want in life and the conclusion is ridiculous. Because I seriously want to be a professional make-up artist (with a degree!) and I also want to be a patisseur and a good cook. Other than that, I want to learn about how to use all the editing software available and how to be a good photographer. It dawned on me that I’ll be shedding a lot of time and money if I will be pursuing what I want in life. But in the end, I also realized that it will all be worth it.

As of now, I still fall quiet and sad all of a sudden. I’m still having the crying fits, but not as often as before. I still feel ugly, and fat, and useless, and stupid, and ugly again but I always told myself that it’s all okay to feel that way sometimes, that everything will be better.

I’ve been forcing positive thoughts on my brain and somehow, I manage to believe it. It’s funny, being this way and battling depression. It’s like I fell into the abyss and I’m holding on to everything that I can in order to save myself from the fatal fall. But instead of holding on to branches, I’m holding on to my simple joys and glimpse of happiness. I have been preparing myself for my paradigm shift and when I get out of here, I will never be the same person that I am a few months back.

I will be a better me.

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